last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
