sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
