you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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