Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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