If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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