is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
