I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
