bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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