there's paper in my vomit.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
