In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
