What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
