I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
