my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
