I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
