3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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