yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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