If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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