I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
