well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
