Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You ate ashes out of my bong
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
