god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
