Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
