every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
