I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
last night I used snow as a chaser
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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