seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did I show you my penis last night?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
