Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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