NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
