does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
