i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
