she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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