I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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