my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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