Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
