I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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