so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
