I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
