dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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