My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
