these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
