two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
