I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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