I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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