my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
