and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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