She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
