Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
ttyl tear gas
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
