sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
