Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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