I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I will be naked everywhere
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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