Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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